Where Christian parents learn from, grow with, and encourage one another.

Why Do 'Christian' Marriages Fail?

I'm asking this community... but I'd like to give my opinion as well.

I believe one reason could be because we tend to add God to our relationship after we've decided what we're going to be doing already (if that makes sense). We trust God to direct us to that special someone... they come along (we don't bother to confirm it or not)... we date, get close, get engaged... THEN it's time for God to come into the picture. We sign up for the pre-marriage counseling... find our love languages... and get married. Then OOPS! we're incompatible... but GOD put us together right???

I believe we (like our un-churched counterparts) have learned more about 'love', relationships and 'marriage' from movies and TV than we have our own families... those of us who had 'typical' families. We have been taught to follow our heart... our appetites... then add the FAITH portion to the mix... and God's name is being thrown around to keep us from even questioning if this person could possibly NOT be the one.

I believe we (as a church) are more pro-wedding... and not so much pro-marriage. We want folks to have sex in the right way... so we push marriage from the moment puberty hits... kids are learning that marriage will fix the trouble they're having with sexual self-control. It'll fix homosexual temptations. It'll fix porn addictions... but it doesn't does it. But we spent so much time teaching on getting to the wedding... and helping them to be a good groom or the purest of brides... that we forgot to help them train to become good husbands, wives... and later fathers and mothers.

Just my two cents. I could go on... but you didn't read all that ranting anyway. ;)

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Valerie on January 29, 2009 at 2:05pm: Wow, an interesting topic to discuss. I agree with you about teaching kids to be a good groom or a pure bride and not training them to become good husbands and wives, fathers and mothers. I believe it has a lot to do with the parent's view of marriage.
In my experience, when I was a teen on Sunday nights there were marriage classes at our Pastor's house. Both my husband and I attended (it could have been mandatory, I don't remember that now), but our parents knew the value in us learning about marriage and how to do it well. I think the biggest thing we learned from those classes, when we weren't even dating, was marriage is work and it always takes hard work and committment not just "love."
I think our parents helped us to have a firm foundation and concept of marriage. Parents have a responsibility to teach their kids to be pure brides and grooms as well as husbands, wives, moms and dads.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by James Kennison on January 29, 2009 at 2:10pm: Love that line, "Marriage is work... not just love"; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Barb Alvies on January 31, 2009 at 12:09am: I think that some kids brought up in Christian homes might not have a clear picture of what kinds of things you will have to face and or except if you get married before making sure you know the person you marry. When I turned 17 1/2 I was taking a test to go into the military. I had it all planned out. Then I turned 18 and met my husband. My dad was in no way excited about my getting married but my mom seemed to know he was for me. I married at nineteen not because I wanted sex (if I had just wanted that I would have just done it and not told my parents like my friends did) but because I thought this guys was perfect. He profest to love God and wanted nothing more then to marry and have children with a Godly woman.

I fully expected my marrage to be as wonderful as my parents marrage was. They never yelled at each other. Never called one another names. My friends allways wanted to be at my house because my parents were so "cool". I never expected my husband to yell at me. Or even make me so angry sometimes I regreted getting married. (course I got pregnant one week after marrage so I was already an emotional mess) Anyway, about 5 years (and three kids later) I packed my bag and was ready to pull the plug. My dad was even encuraging me because he could see how bad things were for me. However after talking to my mom and praying like I've never prayed before I came back home.

Through the many prayers from family and friends by the grace of God, we are 16 years later very happly married. We have three teenagers now and we make sure they know marrage can only work if both you and your future wife or husband have God first in your lives. Not each other!

One last note on that. My husband only remembers two things the pastor told him in our premarital councling. "Marrage is not a 50 50 deal. Sometimes it will be 60 40. Other times it might be 80 20. You give what you have to make it work". and "There will be days when you will have to decide to love each other"; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Valerie on February 2, 2009 at 3:15pm: Barb-
I do agree with what you are saying about growing up in a christian home and not knowing the "difficult" side of marriage. My husband and I have said that is probably the most difficult thing about it because no one talks about how he will make you mad etc. My husband and I just watched Fireproof (If you haven't seen it - it's excellent!) and he commented on how it was nice to see people struggle. He grew up in a christian home as did I up my parents didn't become christians until I was in 6th grade so I saw some of the anger etc. as a child.

Barb Alvies said:
I think that some kids brought up in Christian homes might not have a clear picture of what kinds of things you will have to face and or except if you get married before making sure you know the person you marry. When I turned 17 1/2 I was taking a test to go into the military. I had it all planned out. Then I turned 18 and met my husband. My dad was in no way excited about my getting married but my mom seemed to know he was for me. I married at nineteen not because I wanted sex (if I had just wanted that I would have just done it and not told my parents like my friends did) but because I thought this guys was perfect. He profest to love God and wanted nothing more then to marry and have children with a Godly woman.

I fully expected my marrage to be as wonderful as my parents marrage was. They never yelled at each other. Never called one another names. My friends allways wanted to be at my house because my parents were so "cool". I never expected my husband to yell at me. Or even make me so angry sometimes I regreted getting married. (course I got pregnant one week after marrage so I was already an emotional mess) Anyway, about 5 years (and three kids later) I packed my bag and was ready to pull the plug. My dad was even encuraging me because he could see how bad things were for me. However after talking to my mom and praying like I've never prayed before I came back home.

Through the many prayers from family and friends by the grace of God, we are 16 years later very happly married. We have three teenagers now and we make sure they know marrage can only work if both you and your future wife or husband have God first in your lives. Not each other!

One last note on that. My husband only remembers two things the pastor told him in our premarital councling. "Marrage is not a 50 50 deal. Sometimes it will be 60 40. Other times it might be 80 20. You give what you have to make it work". and "There will be days when you will have to decide to love each other"; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Joyce Oglesby on February 2, 2009 at 10:31pm: I began praying for my husband when I was 12. In the Day of Beauty seminars I conduct, I encourage young ladies to begin praying for God to prepare the heart of the man they will marry. At my parenting/marriage seminars, I encourage moms, dads, grandparents to pray for their childrens' mates. Leaving important choices to God is a mark of wisdom. He should be consulted on every matter of the heart. His ideal plan for our lives includes being equally yoked.

I could have never chosen a more perfect man for me than God hand-picked. I console many broken-hearted people who don't understand what went wrong in their marriages. While there are occasions that godly people get married and things go awry, many times it's no surprise to a spouse or their extended families that things didn't work out. All the warning signs were there initially, but the grandeur of "wedding bells" ring so loudly it overrides even the most common sense in situations.

Sexual desire is a strong temptation - pre-marriage ... and after marriage. The strength of its force is no secret. It causes the strongest of men to fall to its snare. All the more reason to be grounded in Christ, and depending on Him early in life - learning, grasping, and following His principles is crucial when choosing your mate, and maintaining them for a lifetime of love.

Our Christian marriages are truly suffering for a multiplicity of reasons, not the least of which we fail to honor the fundamental principles about love and marriage set forth in Corinthians 13.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Daniel Geer on February 6, 2009 at 2:13pm: I agree about the pro-wedding vs pro marriage angle. The entire Bible is about relationship. God created us for relationship. We are not pawns, toys, robots, or nifty thingamajigs. God intended to create us with the ability to choose Him. We do not teach about relationship.

One of the problems I see all of the time concerns "compatibility." I appreciate common interests, common goals, and complementary needs and desires. But these in and of themselves have nothing to do with anyone being "compatible." Here is the compatibility test: If one is male, one needs a female. If one is female, one need a male. That's it! It is all in Genesis. People spend years "growing together" and then "growing apart." Everyone's interests change over a lifetime, unless one is a turnip. People will always change over time. Therefore, compatibility seekers assure that longevity to relationship is an unobtainable goal. In our culture, to leave one's spouse is the "right" thing to do because of "incompatibility."

The issue at stake is the same old issue, sin. Sin keeps us from maintaining our relationship with our spouse; sin causes the eye to wander and the heart to follow. Sin causes us to focus inward rather than outward.

I say "good husbands and wives" is closer to the mark than any compatibility chart.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Betsy on March 24, 2009 at 12:46pm: I'm a newlywed of 6 weeks and from watching my friends get married over the years, I would say marriages fail due to lack of training. In the name of independence our roles have gotten pretty twisted around. Don't get me wrong - I'm not touting a "barefoot and pregnant" mentality, but I know women especially can use some training on finding their significance in the Lord, not their husband. I've had too many friends get married to some guy that's "good enough" because he'd take care of them. WHAT!

There's a new women's Bible study coming out in April aimed at wives and women who desire to be a wife someday. It's called "Secrets: Transforming Your Life and Marriage," and really focuses on training women to be better wives by finding their identity in Christ and not trying to change their husbands all the time (we all know that doesn't work). I was a part of the "guinea pig" group for it and wow, it's great. Check it out at www.secretsbiblestudy.com - it can be a great training resource in your church/small groups!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by James Kennison on March 24, 2009 at 1:42pm: Speaking of training, My wife and I are doing a two part discussion on our podcast, Geek Loves Nerd, called The First Year of Marriage. Part 1 is available now and Part 2 will be recording this weekend.

Betsy said:
I'm a newlywed of 6 weeks and from watching my friends get married over the years, I would say marriages fail due to lack of training. In the name of independence our roles have gotten pretty twisted around. Don't get me wrong - I'm not touting a "barefoot and pregnant" mentality, but I know women especially can use some training on finding their significance in the Lord, not their husband. I've had too many friends get married to some guy that's "good enough" because he'd take care of them. WHAT!

There's a new women's Bible study coming out in April aimed at wives and women who desire to be a wife someday. It's called "Secrets: Transforming Your Life and Marriage," and really focuses on training women to be better wives by finding their identity in Christ and not trying to change their husbands all the time (we all know that doesn't work). I was a part of the "guinea pig" group for it and wow, it's great. Check it out at www.secretsbiblestudy.com - it can be a great training resource in your church/small groups!; ▶ Reply to This